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Golden Urinals
A man came home VERY late, drunk as a skunk, to find his wife waiting for him at the door. "Where have you been?" she screams. "It's 4 in the morning!"
He says, "Aww, I just stopped at this bar, I was only going to have one drink...but this bar, it was incredible. Everything in it was gold-plated. They had a gold rail under the bar, gold ashtrays, they served the drinks in gold shot glasses, the table posts were all gold-plated, even the mirror behind the bar was gold. The cash register was gold. I was so amazed by all this gold, I just kept ordering drinks, and so I could stay in the bar and look at it. Hell, even when I went to the Men's Room to take a leak, they had gold-plated urinals...man, I want to tell you, it was wonderful."
"I don't believe that story for one goddamn minute," his wife said. "What was this place called?"
"Hell," he replies, "I can't remember...I got too drunk, and I forgot."
"You're gonna have to prove it to me tomorrow when you sober up, or I'm going to divorce you!" she said.
The next day, the man looks through the Yellow Pages under "BARS", but none of the names ring a bell. He decides that he'll call all the bars listed, and ask the bartenders about the decor in their establishments. He's called about 50 bars so far, and still no luck. Finally, he calls one bar, asks his question, and the bartender says that, yes, they are the bar with all the gold-plated stuff.
"Here," the man says, handing the phone to his wife. "Ask this bartender if I'm lying!"
The wife gets on the line, and begins to ask the bartender about all the things her husband had told her about on the previous night...the rail, the shot glasses, the mirrors, the table posts, the cash register, etc. etc. Finally, she says, "Now, this may seem like a strange question, but my husband says you even have gold-plated urinals...do you?"
The bartender puts the phone down on the bar, and she hears him yell, "Hey Mike!! I think I know who pissed in your saxophone..." -
A Puking Drunk
A taxi driver goes to a bar to pick up his fare, a really drunk guy who has been in the bar way too long.
After giving directions back to his house, he and the taxi driver are talking.
The drunk guy leans forwards and says, "Hey taxi-dude! Think you got enough room in the front for a case of beer and a couple of chicken burgers?"
Taxi guy says "Sure! Not a problem."
"Some french fries and some meat loafs?"
"Not a problem, sir," Taxi guy replied.
The drunk guy goes, "BLLLLEEEEEECCCHHHHH!" -
Drunken Excuses
Two guys are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.
Wiping his mouth off on his shirtsleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go home. I'm already two hours late, and now I've thrown up all over myself. My wife is gonna kill me.
The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won't. Listen, you got twenty bucks?"
The first says, "Yeah, why?"
The second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time."
The first guy says, "Great idea! Let's have another round", and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours.
Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guy’s wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says, "Look at you! You're pathetic!! You're five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you've got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself ?!?"
He says, "Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunken guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket."
She reaches in and pulls out the money. She says, "Wait there's 40 bucks in here!"
He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!" -
No More Peas
There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he went to see the Doctor about it.
The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods."
The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!"
The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!"
The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid"
The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realises that he will never eat a pea again.
Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed.
One of the reps says, "Well, actually, I'd love a cigarette, because I haven't had a smoke in four years, I gave it up."
Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so i gave it up!"
The businessman says. "That's nothing, I haven't had a pea in 7 years."
The barman jumps up screaming, "Ok, everyone who can't swim, grab a table...."