| John goes to the deli for some soup. After he's seated and about to eat he calls the waiter over. When the waiter comes he says, "Taste this soup." The waiter says, "Why what's wrong with the soup?" John says, "Taste this soup." The waiter says, "John, you've come in here for thirty years and you always get the soup, you've never complained before." John says, "Taste this soup." The waiter says, "What? What is it? If you don't want the chicken soup we have other kinds - vegetable, Italian Ministrone?" John says, "Taste this soup!" The waiter finally agrees, "Fine John, fine! I'll taste the soup". He leans over the table prepared to taste the soup, he hesitates and says, "Where's your spoon?" "Exactly," says John, "Where's my bloody spoon?" |
| Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune! The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?" The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!" |
| A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!" |
| Moms will be Moms... Doesn't matter who you are. Here is some Mom talk. Issac Newton's mother - "But did you wash the apple before eating it?" Archimedes's mother - "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???" Thomas Edison's mother - Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed !!!" Abraham Lincoln's mother - "Now that you have become President for heaven's sake get rid of that shabby tailcoat and stovepipe hat, and buy yourself a decent outfit." James Watt's mother - "If you just keep watching that damn lid lifting and dropping, rice will be burnt. Turn off the stove now." Alexander Graham Bell's mother - "You have installed this new silly thing in the house alright, but I do not want girls calling you at odd hours." Galileo Galilei's mother - "What use is seeing that goddamn moon with your telescope if it does not help me to see my mother in Milano." Samuel Morse's mother - "Make sure your school report card doesn't have only dashes and dots." Mona Lisa's mother - "After all that money your father and I spent on your braces, is that the best smile you can give us ?" Michelangelo's mother - "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling ?" Albert Einstein's mother - "Can't you do something about your hair ? Use styling gel or something?" Bill Gates's mother - "You keep browsing all day long; watch out if I ever catch you on any adult web-site." Danial Fahrenheit's mother - "Stop playing with boiling water and let me make tea." Georg Ohm's mother - "I don't like you resisting everything I say." Robert Boyle's mother - "If your volume is really inversely proportional to pressure, you must be having a constipation. Take a laxative." Alessandro Volta's mother - "It is shocking to see you all the while dipping those copper and zinc rods in that beaker." Andre Ampere's mother - `Apart from fooling around all the time shall you ever find time to glance through your current books!" Socrates's mother - "If you keep drinking from any cup, it is not necessary that you will also survive like Meera Bai." Christopher Columbus' mother - "I don't care what you were busy discovering and where, you could still have dropped a two line letter!" Dedicated to All Mothers, But for Whom The Human Civilisation wouldn't Have Progressed. |