| A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present." "Not to worry," said the dad... "the important thing is that we're all here together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry." "It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here." Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other deeply, but we never found the time to actually get married." The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?" Yep," said the dad... "and cheap ones too!" |
| Selma telephones home with some exciting news: "Mama, I got married." "Congratulations!!" says Mama. "I might as well tell you, Mama, he's not of our Faith." "So he's a goy. But am I prejudiced?" "But, Mama, he's also black." "So he's a schvartzeh. By me, everybody should be tolerant." "Well, frankly, Mama, he's also unemployed." "So, you'll support him. A wife should help her husband." "But, Mama, we have no place to live." "Don't worry, Selma, dear. You'll move in with us." "But Mama, you have only one bedroom." "That's okay. You and your husband can have the bedroom." "Yes, Mama, but where will you and Papa sleep?" "Papa can sleep on the couch in the living room." "Yes, Mama, but where will *you* sleep?" "Selma, dear, about me you don't need to worry. The minute I get off the phone...I'm going to drop dead." |
| One evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer dinner on the stove, and the
table set. She was astonished -- something's up. It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up, he helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired..." |
| A man is talking to his best friend about married life. "You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt." His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean." A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend. "While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt." The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend. "So did anything happen?" "I have some bad news for you," says the friend. "The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her top. Then they turned off the light." "Then what happened?" says the man. "I don't know. It was too dark to see." "Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt." |