| Prior to taking retirement and selling off his land, a farmer needed to get rid of all the animals he owned, so he decided to call on every house in his village. At houses where the man was the boss, he gave a horse; at houses where the woman was the boss, he gave a chicken. Approaching one cottage, he saw a couple gardening and called out, "Who's the boss around here?" "I am," said the man. The farmer said, "I have a black horse and a brown horse. Which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." "No, no, get the brown one," said his wife. The farmer said, "Here's your chicken." |
| An Engineer and his wife were always fighting with each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The woman would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..." Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared. To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, Engineer went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??" The Engineer put down his drink and said, "Let her dig. I had her buried upside down." These Engineers... I tell you... They think of everything. |
| Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble." The second deaf man signed back, "Boy, you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me heck for being out so late." The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?" The second deaf man signed, "I turned out the light!" |
| A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time." When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day." Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his paws." |