| At a job interview I was asked to describe myself in one word. I said: Laxative because I make shit happen. |
| What do you call a tea that tastes sometimes like tea and sometimes like coffee ? Uncertainty!!! |
| My ex-girlfriend just called me to say she wants us to get back together again. Man am I a lucky guy ? I mean, first I win the lottery and now this. !! |
| Women always called me ugly until they learned how much money I have. After that, they called me ugly and poor. |
| Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu: You get what you deserve. |
| All of my childhood punishments have become my adult goals: Eating vegetables, Staying home, Taking a nap, Going to bed early! |
| Research shows that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20-minute jog. So, now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers! |
| Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding... And how to sleep on the edge of the bed! |
| What's the worst thing about having a job at the unemployment office? If you get fired, you still have to show up the next day! |
| Police: Why did you call 100? Santa: My wife went shopping and hasn't returned. Police: That's not an emergency. Santa: It is! She had my credit card! |