| I was walking past a farm and a sign said "Duck, eggs" I thought: "That's an unnecessary comma" and then it hit me! |
| The salesman at the furniture store told me, `This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.` I said, `Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?` |
| Rainy days are so good. You can open all the windows and drink a cold beer in your underwear. Not sure why my Uber driver is threatening to call the cops! |
| My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex. They are watch dogs! |
| Did you hear about the big Lego sale? People were lined up for blocks! |
| Why do programmers prefer the dark? Because the light attracts bugs! |
| The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?" I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch - he's been chasing me for 45 minutes! |
| It's been months since I bought the book, "How to scam people online." It still hasn't arrived yet! |
| I met my wife on Tinder. That was awkward. Her profile says, "Single"! |
| Afghanistan has banned Chess, calling it a dangerous game. Reasons are: 1. Queen doesn't wear a burkha. 2. Queen roams freely wherever she wants to. 3. Queen is more powerful than the King. 4. Queen goes alone to opponent's territory. 5. And... most importantly, there's only ONE Queen! |
