To: All Employees
From: Personnel Department
RE: ABSENTEEISM
It has been brought to the attention of the Board that the attendance record of our company is a disgrace. It has now become necessary to revise some of our policies. The following changes take place immediately.
SICKNESS: No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof, as we believe that if you are able to get to the doctor you are able to come to work.
DEATH: (Other than your own.) This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for the deceased, and we are sure that someone with a lesser number of obligations can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held late in the afternoon we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided that you work is sufficiently ahead so that you won't inconvenience other employees by your absence.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE (For an operation.) We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thought that you might need an operation. Since we believe that as long as you are employed here you will need all of whatever you have, and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
DEATH (Your own.) This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to train someone else to do your job.
Also, entirely too much time is being spent in restrooms. In the future we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose name begins with A will go from 8:00 to 8:15, B will go from 8:15 to 8:30 and so on. If you are unable to go at your time it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes up. |
Fastest Thing! A man is walking home through a park one night after a fancy dress party. While he is walking home he feels the need to s**t so he crouches down on the grass and does his business... 
Talking Clock A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet... 
Self Refilling A drunk guy was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a... 
Ferrari vs Dog A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 5-6 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him. Halfway through the plowing...