A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whale realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen"
Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex.
Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald says, "No."
Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex and suggests Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that may be they sell them at the front desk.
Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms.
The clerk says, "Yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and give it to Donald.
The clerk asks, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
Donald says, "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?"
Farmer Joe lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said, "You stay here until you learn how to behave yourself".
Shortly afterwards it begin to rain. About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The salesman went to the barn.
Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn - no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left for barn.
One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear). The woman told the farmer that she could take care of herself and left for the barn.
Two hours later, heavy knocking at the door awakened the Farmer. When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.
The Farmer said, "Good heavens, what happened to you?"
The woman replied, "I give up on human nature... the first guy gave me 500 bucks, the second guy gave me 1000 bucks, but that cheap jerk in the fur coat never even said thanks!"
This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a goat runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the goat by the hind legs and starts screwing it.
"Oh my God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the sherrif.
She sees the sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar.
"It figures...," she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink.
"What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal....and then...I come in here....and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!!!!??"
Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a goat at his age, do you?"
Three women walk in a pet shop.
Suddenly the parrot yells out, "White, pink, blue."
The first ladie says, "That's funny, I'm wearing white underwear."
The others then say, "No way, we are wearing pink and blue."
To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the parrot shouted, "white ! white ! white!"
The three women are amazed.
The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the parrot yelled, "Bald, curly and straight!"
They never went there again!!
Two crocodiles lay on the strand of Nile. Suddenly they hear strange sound:
"Hee-hee-hee-bang! Hee-hee-hee-bang!"
One crocodile asks another:
"What's the sounds?"
"There is an elephant who fucks monkeys. While he fucks them, they laugh, and when he comes, they burst."
"Very interesting," says the first crocodile, "I'll go to see it."
Little later the second crocodile hears the sounds:
"HA-HA-HA-HA-BOOM!"
Once a wolf and a stallion decided to fuck each other.
The wolf mounted the stallion and screws him, then says:
"Hey Stallion, please twirl your ass - I cannot come."
The stallion twirled his ass, and the wolf came.
Then the stallion screws the wolf and cannot come too. He says:
"Wolf, please twirl your ass..."
"Twirl my ass?!.. I cannot even turn my head!.."
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $15.
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam"
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel," says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.
"Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same old clients. How are you doing, George?" says the parrot.
The doggies held a conference. They came from near and far, some of them by aeroplane and some by motor car. They gathered in the hallway to sign the visitors book.
Then each dog took his a$$hole off and hung it on a hook.
When they were assembled, each pure breed dame and sire, some dirty rotten ba$tard came in and shouted "FIRE". The dogs were in a panic, they had no time to look, so each dog grabbed an a$$hole, off the nearest hook.
The dogs were very angry, it really made them sore, to wear anothers a$$hole, they'd never worn before, so that is why you'll always see, a dog will leave a bone, to sniff anothers a$$hole, to see if it's his own.
Police officers Joe and Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning and forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."
Joe replied, "We don't have to go back, just give Scooby, my trusty police dog, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day, and Mary didn't feel like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Scooby’s nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Scooby’s ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Scooby.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Scooby rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth!