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Humping Dog
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet’s office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane.
The poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?"
The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The Schnauzer asks the Poodle, "Why are you here?"
The Poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here.
The great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself."
The Poodle asks, "So she brought you here to put to sleep?"
"Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed." -
Attacking Dog
An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior.
So, the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked the mailman.
The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and began apologizing to the mailman.
He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do."
The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me." -
Little Filly
A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing the next season, but when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust.
The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around her rump to keep the stallion away.
The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly's no where to be found.
He follows her trail to the neighboring farm, and says to the kid in the field, "Hey, boy, did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?"
The kid says, "No, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her ass." -
Let`s Make Love
Eagles mate for life, so this near-sighted eagle goes out to look for a mate. He finds a Dove. They go back to his nest and they make love.
It was fantastic sex but all night long this dove says, "I'm a dove, let's make love. I'm a dove, let's make love."
Well the eagle just can't take this for the rest of his life so next morning he kicks her out of his nest. Then on for the quest of another mate. He runs into a wren.
He takes her back to his nest and makes love to her. Again fantastic sex but all night long this wren says, "I'm a wren let's do it again. I'm a wren let's do it again."
Well the eagle is getting really irritated so next morning he kicks her out of the nest.... Being very cautious (he thinks) he goes out to look for another mate... He finds the perfect mate… a Duck. So again he takes her to his nest and makes love to her. You'll never guess what this duck said all night long...???!!!???
"I'm a drake you made a mistake. I'm a drake you made a mistake."
(A drake being a male duck!)