| There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited. "Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George. "George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam. "Okay, I can do that." George answered. Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions. "Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam. "OK, OK, let's go!" said George. "Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam. "Sure" says George. Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, Sorry Sam, thank you ma'am." |
| A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that could service all of his many hens. He told this to the market vendor. The vendor replied, "Here's the Tom, the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took the rooster back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Tom a little pep talk. "Tom", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word Tom strutted into the henhouse. Tom was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Tom had finished having his way with each hen. But Tom didn't stop there. He went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Tom,you'll kill yourself." But Tom continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Tom lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A vulture was already circling above Tom. The farmer walked up to Tom saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy." "Shhhhh," Tom whispered. "The vulture's getting closer." |
| This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck. "How's your day been?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey" came the answer. "So how's your day been?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie" "No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fucking day!" |
| A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores. "That fellow from close by will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the mares. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate." Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town. That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. "This is the mare right here," she tells him. "What's the nail for?" the guy asks. Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants." |