| A woman was driving along, and her car broke down. She decided to hitchhike to the nearest gas station. A truck driver hauling a load of chickens pulled up. The driver asked, "Hey, little lady, need a lift?" "Yes, my car broke down, and I need a ride to the nearest gas station." The driver replied, "OK, but first you have to fuck me! No fuck, no ride." She said, "I'm sorry, I don't need a ride that badly." So the driver pulled away. All this time, the driver had a parrot on his shoulder. The parrot started saying, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!" The driver said, "You had better shut up, bird, or I'm gonna throw you in back with the chickens!" About two miles down the road, the parrot said, "No fuck, no ride!" So the driver slammed on the brakes and threw him in back with the chickens! About two more miles further down the road, the driver heard sirens and saw flashing lights, so he pulled over. He got out of the truck and approached the officer. "What's the problem, officer. I wasn't speeding was I?" The officer said, "I wasn't pulling you over for speeding. I just wanted to inform you that you have a parrot throwing chickens out the trailer screaming, 'No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!'" |
| This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey," said the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey" came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day." |
| A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He asks, "What on earth is that all about?" The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm." "Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?" The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other." |
| Two lovers who were interested in spiritualism and reincarnation promised that if either died, the survivor would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after death. A few weeks after making this pact, the young man was killed in a car crash. Thirty days later, his sweetheart tried to contact him via a seance. "Can you hear me, Joel?" she wailed. A voice came back, "Yes, Lauren, this is Joel. I hear you." "Oh, Joel, it's so good to hear your voice. What is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful, Lauren. There are clear blue skies, a soft breeze and warm sunshine." "What do you do all day, Joel?" "Well, Lauren, we're up before sunrise, we eat a good breakfast, then it's nothing but sex till noon. After lunch, we sleep till two, then have sex till five. After dinner, we go at it again till we fall asleep around 11." "Joel, is that what heaven is really like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven. I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona." |