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Resting The Balls
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Canada, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the morning to you, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees,” replies Tiger.
"Well, what on God's earth are they for?" inquires the attendant.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jeysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford thinks of everything!" -
Italian Golf
The Italian had never played golf before and so he asked for some tips before starting the game.
The American decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball.
The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole."
The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke.
The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in da hole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out!" -
Golfer`s Ball
A Senior Consultant Gynecologist is playing a four ball at his local golf club. Now this Gynecologist is a very selfish golfer. He has no regard for etiquette, is totally wrapped up on his own game and cares nothing for his partners, the players in front or behind.
On this particular day he is struggling off the tee and despite the efforts of his partners is very slow.
Two lady golfers very quickly catch up the four balls and have to wait on every shot. By the 8th, the ladies are sick of waiting and one decides to drive off.
“I shouldn't if I were you,” her partner says, "You may hit him."
"I don't care it may quicken him up," she replies, and drives off. The ball lands about 20 yards behinds the Gynecologist and runs past him.
He turns and glares angrily back at the ladies before moving on. This has no effect and at the 12th the lady does the same again. Again the ball lands 20 yards behind the Gynecologist and runs past him.
He turns, shakes his fist at the ladies and moves on. No affect again and at the 14th the lady does the same again. The ball lands about 20 yards behinds the Gynecologist and runs past him.
The Gynecologist picks up the lady's ball, walks back to the tee, and says to her, "Madam if you do that to me again I shall place this ball where only a member of my profession can retrieve it!" -
Genie's Wish
A couple was golfing one day on an exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses. Off the third tee, the wife hit the ball right through the window of the biggest house on the course. Embarrassed, they ran up to the house and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in."
Entering the house, they saw glass all over the floor, a broken bottle lying in the foyer, and a man sitting on the couch.
"Are you the people who broke my window?" he asked.
"Yes we are, but we're very sorry," the husband said.
"Actually I wanted to thank you." The man replied. "I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle you broke. Since you've released me, I'm allowed to grant two wishes - one for you and one for myself."
"Wow!" the husband replied. "In that case, I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"Granted." The genie told him.
"Now for my wish...I've been trapped in that bottle, and without a woman, for a thousand years, so my wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife, and then shrugged, "Well, we did get a lot of money, so I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for hours. When they were finally done, he rolled over, looked at the wife, and asked, "How old is your husband?"
"Thirty-five," she replied. "And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"