| Defense Attorney: What is your age? Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm Spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: Because his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him, "Take me... young man... Take me!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Woman: Hell no! He just yelled "April Fool" and that's when I shot the little bastard. |
| In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex." The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, Johnny, how many positions did you come up with?" Little Johnny says, "Seventy-three!!!" The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness.... uh.... very good, John, very good...." She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about you?" Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one... where the guy just lays on top of the girl." Little Johnny yells, "Seventy-four." |
| The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference. One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other $125 I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented." After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your Honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed AND amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defence was somewhat different from the way he had originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion! 'Your Honour," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted." The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your Honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted." In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options, "Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provided to the plaintiff for damages." The defendant wrote out a cheque immediately. |
| The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's. "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no man had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man., "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "South Dakota." "Really!" she said. "I have family in South Dakota." "I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance." The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer. |