| Little Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent.... "Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been 3 months since my last confession. In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl's private parts." "Played with a girl's private parts!" exclaimed the priest. "Whoa, that's pretty serious. For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water." So Little Johnny knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries, then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers, when the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, "Move over, pal. I gotta gargle...." |
| In a second grade sex education class, little Mary asks, "teacher, can my momma get pregnant?" The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?" Little Mary says, "Forty." The teacher says, "Yes, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl asks, "can my big sister get pregnant?" The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?" Little Mary answers, "Nineteen." The teacher says, "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl asks, "Can I get pregnant?" The teacher asks, "How old are you?" Mary says "I'm seven years old." The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant." Little Johnny, who is sitting behind little mary, gives her a poke and says, "see, I told you we had nothing to worry about |
| "Children, please name a medicine and what it is used for," said Mrs. Johnson. The first student said, "Tylenol." "Very good! And what is Tylenol used for?" "It's for headaches." "Excellent. Anyone else?" Another pupil said, "Nytol." "Excellent. And what is Nytol used for?" "It helps you go to sleep." "That's right. Johnny? Do you know a medicine?" Little Johnny thought a moment and then said, "Viagra." "Uh, okay, Johnny. What is Viagra used for?" "I think it's for diarrhea." "Diarrhea? Who told you that?" "No one, but the other night I heard my mom tell my dad, 'Take a Viagra and maybe that little sh*$ will get harder!'" |
| "Late again?" Miss Crabtree scolded Little Johnny. "It ain't my fault," said Little Johnny. "This is my Daddy's fault. I'm three hours late cause Daddy sleeps naked!" Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for over thirty years but had never heard that one before. "Exactly what does that mean, Johnny?" "Well, Miss Crabtree, a coyote's been hangin' round the ranch lately. He's killed six hens and Ma's best goat. So last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and told Ma, 'That coyote's back again. I'm a'gonna git 'im!' "He told us kids to stay inside and he ran out naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt, no nuttin'! He crawled out to the hen house, stuck his shotgun through the window of the chicken coop. As he tried to see into the dark coop, our hound dog came sneakin' up behind him and stuck his cold nose right up Daddy's behind! Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!" |