| Mrs. Johnson, the elementary school math teacher, was having children do problems on the blackboard that day. "Who would like to do the first problem, addition?" she asked. No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right. "Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?" Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend, Lisa, whispered it to him. "Who would like to do the third problem, division?" Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right. "Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?" Johnny's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence, "Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?" "The Bible says to go fourth and multiply, and I wanna multiply with YOU!!!" |
| The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted some students to tell a brief story about summer vacation. Several students eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny. The teacher asked Alice to tell a story. "We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation" Alice said. "We rode donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was fun." The teacher asked for another volunteer and several students eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny. She was afraid to call on Little Johnny because he swore a lot last year. The teacher chose Fred to tell a story. "My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We stopped at a small pond; I cast my lure into the pond and caught the biggest trout we'd ever seen! We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it was great!" Fred reported. "That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer." Several students were waving their hands. The teacher felt sorry for Little Johnny and decided to give him another chance. "My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18 point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole," Little Johnny said. The teacher was angry, "Johnny you mean rectum." she said. "Wrecked'im? You bet it wrecked'im, shot his balls clean off." answered Little Johnny. |
| Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished." Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!" Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?" Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to be real nice and spend a couple of hours playing first!" |
| A priest is out for an afternoon stroll and turns the corner to find little Johnny with a hammer smashing the daylights out of a bunch of ants. The kid is muttering to himself, "I hate these fucking ants... I hate these fucking ants..." The priest is taken aback by the little boy's language and talks to him, saying that God doesn't make junk. "Tomorrow I will be coming by again, and if you can tell me three things that God created that are worthless, then I will let you continue killing the ants." The next afternoon, the priest is out again for his walk and comes upon little Johnny smashing ants again. The priest reminds him of the agreement they had made, reminding the boy that he agreed not to kill any more ants unless he could name three worthless things that God created. Little Johnny looks up with a devilish smile and says, "I do know three things that are totally worthless. The first is a prick on a priest, the second is tits on a nun, and the third are these fucking ants!" |