| A father shows up at his daughter's home and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags. "What's wrong?" he asks. "I texted her that I was coming home today from my golfing trip. And what did I find when I walked through the door? Her making out with Joe Murphy! I'm leaving!" "Now, calm down," says his father-in-law. "There must be a simple explanation. I'll find out what happened." Moments later, he reappears. "I told you there was a simple explanation, and there is," he says. "She never got your text." |
| A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen. "What can I help you with?" he asked. She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?" "Ma'am," he answered, "that there is called a penis." "I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?" The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the penis." "I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12-14 inches behind the head of the penis?" He paused and said, "I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass." |
| As the groom entered the church, the best man noticed he had the biggest, brightest smile on his face. "Boy, you sure look happy to be getting married." The groom replied, "Buddy, that's because I just got the best blow job of my life and I'm here to marry the woman who gave it to me!" In another part of the church, the maid of honor told the bride, "You look happier than I've ever seen you." The bride replied, "Honey, that's because I just gave my last blow job!" |
| I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband's smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on TV called "Cold Turkey." After about a week, I asked her how it was going. "Well, not too bad," she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. "I've gotten him down to one pack of cigarettes a night now." |