| A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife." When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the contest for the best toast of the night," he replied. She then asked what his toast was. He said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church with me wife." "How sweet of you to include me in your toast," his wife replied. While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings. "Mornin' Mrs. Murphy," he said. "That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize." "Well, I'm afraid he wasn't quite honest with the facts," Mrs. Murphy replied. "He's only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." |
| A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looked up at her and said, "Yes, dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She smiled and said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said, "Yes, dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asked. He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big breasts and screw your brains out.'" She giggled and said, "Yes, honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?" Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished." |
| A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity." "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'" |
| A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce. After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he coos, "Baby, get upstairs to the bedroom." She can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall." "Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it." She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin between her legs right on her muff. "The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!" So she closed her legs and broke his jaw. |