| There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages." The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother." |
| A farmer drives his tractor away from the homestead when half a mile later his brake cable snaps. He sees his wife on the porch and manages to catch her attention but is unable to make her hear
what he is shouting. However, he thinks she should under- stand what he wants if he uses sign language. So he raises his hand above his head and starts to operate an imaginary pair of pliers, then opens and shuts an imaginary cupboard door and then puts the tips of his fingers together to indicate a shed roof. His wife waves to him and then grasps both her breasts, then grabs her crotch and lastly lifts both her buttocks. "Stupid woman", he mutters to himself. "Hasn't understood a thing". So he repeats his signals, but gets the same response. Exasperated, he walks back to the homestead ready to berate his wife. "Didn't you understand a damn thing?' he asks. "Yes, I did. ", she says, "you wanted a pair of pliers from the cupboard in the shed. But what I was telling you was that there is a pair in the toolbox under the seat. |
| It was their 50th wedding anniversary and the elderly couple, in their 70's, decided to relive the honeymoon. When they arrived at the hotel where they had stayed that first night they found the lobby full of people. They made there way up to the desk and were informed that there was a convention in town. Luckily they had made a reservation in advance requesting the same room. They went up to the room, unpacked, then went down into the dining room and had a fine meal, ordering the same food and wine and after dining returned to their room. The husband, as he had done before, ordered champagne from room service. As they were preparing for bed the wife, slightly intoxicated said, "Honey, remember our first night? You stood by the door, I stood over by the window, and we ran to each other and I jumped up right into your arms." "How can I forget," he said, "you looked so beautiful." "Let's do it that way again." "No way," he said, "we're too old for that foolishness now." "Nonsense." she replied, backing up to the window. "OK," he said, "why not?" They took off all their clothes, she hollered go, and they ran at each other. and missed. She hit the door with a bang, and he went flying out the window. As luck would have it, the room was only on the second floor and the old man landed in a dumpster full of cardboard boxes. He was shaken up a bit, but unhurt. He began looking around to see what he could find to cover himself with. There was nothing. Just then a bellhop came around the corner. He called him over and asked him to get a robe or a towel, anything so he could get back to his room. The bellhop said, "Come with me now and I'll take you through the lobby." "The lobby!" he said, "It's crowded with people and I'm naked." "No problem," said the bellhop, there's no one in the lobby. If we hurry no one will see you." The old man said, "Where did all the people go?" The bellhop answered, "Oh, there all up on the second floor watching the hotel doctor and the plumber trying to pry some old lady off a doorknob." |
| On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" |