| A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him. "Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat. "And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful! "And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream. "Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that Blow Job you always wanted?" And she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea... |
| "Father, yesterday I made love to my wife." The priest explained that there was nothing wrong with that. "But father, I did it with lust!" Again the priest reassured the man that it was no sin. "But father, it was in the middle of the day!" The priest was growing uncomfortable with the description but assured him that it was a natural act for a man and wife. "But father, it was sheer passion. I followed her around the fridge and as she leaned over the deep freeze I jumped on her and we did it on the floor. Am I banned from the church?" "Of course not," said the exasperated priest. "Oh that's good. The manager has banned both of us from the supermarket." |
| A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" he asked. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $200 to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $400 a year in Las Vegas!" |
| Greg was explaining the facts of life to his teenage nephew. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of lovemaking. "One thing to keep in mind is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing." "What do you mean, Uncle Greg?" "Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, 'Are you done yet?' "On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, 'Are you done already?'" "What do other women say?" "Well, a schoolteacher will say, 'We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!' "A nurse will say, 'This won't hurt one bit.'" "I thought they said, 'Pull down your pants and bend over.'" "That's a male nurse. But let's move on, a bank teller will say, 'Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.' "A stewardess will say, Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.'" "And what does Aunty Keli say?" "She says, 'Beige ... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige.'" |