| A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him, "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody?" His customer answers in a slurred voice, "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis." "Oh come on," replies the bartender. The customer then says, "If you don't believe me, I'll show you." He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar. The bartender bends down and looks closely and says, "Why this is just a cigar." The customer looks puzzled and says, "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says, "See that." The bartender again inspects it closely and says, "You idiot, that's just another cigar." Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself, leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says, "Oh no, I must have smoked it!" |
| Dave was feeling depressed, and his best friend Keith decided to take Dave to the Pub, to try and cheer him up. He asked Dave what was it that was troubling him, but Dave didn't want to talk about it. So they sat there getting slowly pissed. Keith matched Dave drink for drink, trying to get him to talk about what was troubling him. Gentle prodding was ignored until finally, after downing the sixth, Dave blurted out, "OK, it's your wife." "My wife?" his Keith demanded. "What about my wife?" "I think she's cheating on us." |
| On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asks. He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out!' " She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's forty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished." |
| The man was feeling a little frisky after working late one night at the office. He went home and found his wife sound asleep in the bed with her mouth wide open. He went to the medicine cabinet, got two aspirin, and dropped them into her mouth. She started to choke, but quickly recovered and demanded to know, "What did you put in my mouth?" Nonchalantly he said, "Two aspirin." "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!" she shouted. Moving in he said, "That's all I wanted to hear." |