| A flashy showgirl married a 97 year-old retired well-to-do General, largely because she held the belief that the old codger wouldn't even survive the wedding night. While her new husband was in the bathroom, the woman slipped into a black see-through nightie and struck her most seductive pose upon the bed. When the old man finally emerged, she was startled to see that he was stark naked except for earplugs, a clothes pin on his nose and a condom. "Why are you wearing those?" she asked in amazement. "Because if there's anything I just can't stand, "he grumbled, "it's the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber." |
| John comes home all excited with this bottle and says to Jill, "I bought this at the store. It is supposed to be a topical lovemaking aid for women. When applied to the 'specified place' a rush of blood is let in and the woman is supposed to experience pleasures she's never dreamed of. I can't wait for you to try it out." "Really??" Jill said grabbing it out of his hand, "Let me look at the directions for use." John hands over the bottle and Jill says, "Ohhhhh, now I see why you can't wait for me to try it out. The directions say 'Apply liberally with tongue'" |
| After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested that they vary their positions. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheel barrel. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions - First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's house." |
| A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him since he only had 24 hours to live. "Of course Darling," she replied. And so they have sex. Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again and says, "You know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex. Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?" By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees. After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?" She turns to him with a sour look on her face and says, "You know, you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!" |