| Bob, the farmer, went into town to retrieve his monthly supplies. The clerk noticed Bob was displaying a sad face and asked what was wrong. Bob stated that his wife, Linda, was wearing him out as she was a nymphomaniac and that he was worn out trying to satisfy her. The Clerk said, "Why don't you put a shotgun on your tractor and when you are way out on the back of the farm you can give a blast in the air to signal to her that you are ready for sex. This would require her to run all the way to him to get serviced and she would have to return all the way back to the farmhouse. In this way it might lessen some of her demands. Bob agreed that it was a good idea and would give it a try. The following month Bob returned for more supplies with the same sad look on his face. The clerk inquired what was wrong. Bob responded, "Didn't you hear? Linda died unexpectedly." The clerk said that he hadn't heard and asked what happened. Bob said, "Well, you remember that suggestion that you gave me?" The clerk said, "Yes." "Well, it was a good one and worked just fine the first week. Then hunting season came along and she ran herself to death." |
| The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills. When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed. He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. *Three times!* He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad. "What's wrong, dear?" he asks. "I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs. "What do you mean?" "I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then - three come all at once!" |
| After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested that they vary their positions. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheel barrel. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions - First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's house." |
| A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing." The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" The wife hesitates, "Whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!" "Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?" The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public-looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?" "He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh!! Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean." The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking." "This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, Don't screw up." |