| A Man & his Wife were arguing about who was better.... males or females.... the argument turned into a pissing contest... literally when the female claimed that she could piss higher up a wall than her husband could ! The husband being a man and loving a challenge accepted... so they went behind their garage... where the wife proceed to drop her pants and began to piss against the garage wall. The man broke into hysterics when the best that she could do was only about 8 inches up the wall. Next the man unzipped his fly... pulled out his "manhood" and just before he started his wife screamed, "Wait Honey..... No Hands !!!" |
| A husband returned home at noon due to fever. In front of the door he saw a new man's shoes & heard a sexy sound inside. He didn't want to see his wife in that position. So he wrote a letter in which he mentioned the reason for his suicide. After his suicide, his wife read the letter and cried alot. Because, she bought a new pair of shoes for her husband & was watching a sex movie, to learn new sex positions. Moral: Please watch blue-film in mute. |
| A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer's field. The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were standing there talking when the farmer's wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn't believe how beautiful she was. "How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work the fields?" "I trust my wife," the farmer said. "She's never been unfaithful." "I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs, she'll be unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle." "It's a deal." So, the pilot and the farmer's wife go upstairs. About a half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it... 'Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me, Be true to me, And his airplane will be ours.' Another fifteen minutes pass, and suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. He asks her if she stayed true to him. She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it... 'He kissed me on the lips, He kissed me on the tits, He kissed me in the middle. He kissed a spot that you forgot, and you lost your fucking fiddle.' |
| To My Dear Wife, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean. 17 times it was too late. 49 times you were too tired. 20 times it was too hot. 15 times you pretended to be asleep. 22 times you had a headache. 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby. 16 times you said you were too sore. 12 times it was the wrong time of the month. 19 times you had to get up early. 9 times you said weren't in the mood. 7 times you were sunburned. 6 times you were watching the late show. 5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do. 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us. 9 times you said your mother would hear us. Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move. To My Dear Husband: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did: 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat. 36 times you did not come home at all. 21 times you didn't finish. 33 times you came too soon. 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late. 10 times you got cramps in your toes. 29 times you had to get up early to play golf. 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper. 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running. 2 times you had a splinter in your finger. 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day. 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book. 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV. Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe. |