| Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!" The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the f*** out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair." Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?" |
| A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him, "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody?" His customer answers in a slurred voice, "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis." "Oh come on," replies the bartender. The customer then says, "If you don't believe me, I'll show you." He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar. The bartender bends down and looks closely and says, "Why this is just a cigar!" The customer looks puzzled and says, "I have it here somewhere," and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says, "See that." The bartender again inspects it closely and says, "You idiot, that's just another cigar." Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself, leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says, "Oh no, I must have smoked it!" |
| With a very seductive voice the wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No, said her husband." She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reach down in her cleavage and push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" "No, I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting It drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No way!," he said, becoming even more excited. To which she replied, "Go look in the garage." |
| A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him. The guy asks, "What's in the box?" The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad." The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?" The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later. "That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me." The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door. "Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands. "South American Blow Job Toad." "So?" asks the wife. "So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out." |