| John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex. "We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him. So he waits. They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says "I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time to be all bloody!" John says, "You're kidding!" Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer." Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling. "There's no use John," she said "You might as well go to sleep." "I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough skin left to close my eyes!" |
| A rich widow dies in a car accident with one of her many lovers. As she faces St. Peter he aks her if she has any special requests before he sends her on. "Yes, I would like to see my husband. "Name?" "Smith." "We have 50 billion Smiths here, Madam. Tell me, was there anything special about him, strange habits or maybe a pet saying?" The woman ponders then says, "He was rather particular, he said to me on his death bed, that if I was unfaithful after his passing then he would turn in his grave." St. Pter chuckles and says, "I know him." Astounded she says, "You do?" "Yes, 'Revolving Smith'." |
| On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want." The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say: '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle! |
| Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F." His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F." Out on the highway, he said, "F.F." She responded simply, "E.F." He repeated, "F.F." She again replied, "E.F." "Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?" Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!" |