| A guy went into a public washroom and had to use the only available urinal, which was between two elderly men. He glanced to his left and saw the guy pissing, but there were two streams. "What the hell is that?" he asked. "War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes." Then the guy looked to his right and saw three streams. "What the hell is that?" "War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes." The two veterans then looked over at the guy in the middle and saw 12 streams! "War wound?" they both asked. "Naah, my zipper's stuck." |
| A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme." The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now." |
| The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number from the nearby town. She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes. For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes. The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quieten down for the grand finale. For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage. The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?" She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?!!?" |
| During WWII, an American Army Captain stationed in England met and fell in love with a British Lieutenant in the WRENS. After a whirlwind courtship, they became engaged and his fiancee wanted him to spend the weekend at her parents' home in the country so they could meet him. When they arrived at a huge estate, a Rolls Royce was parked in front of a circular driveway with a staff of a dozen maids, butlers, gardeners, etc., standing at attention awaiting their arrival. It was obvious to the Yank that his fiancee was no ordinary Brit, but of the nobility. Her parents were absolutely taken by her choice of a husband and a delightful weekend was enjoyed by all. When the Yank returned to his headquarters outside London, he went to the British liaison officer's office, explained what had happened, and asked what the proper protocol would be for him at the wedding. "At the wedding, pretty much the same as your American weddings, I would say, but a bit more elaborate. The big difference would be after the wedding. You will both have connecting rooms in the Claridge. You will both go to your separate rooms, where you will bathe, apply cologne, put on your pajamas and robe, and go to the door connecting your two rooms. You will rap on the door. She will answer, 'Yes,' and you will say, 'I offer you my honor.' She will respond, 'I honor your offer.' That is your permission to enter her room. After that, it's honor and offer All night." |