| A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!" |
| A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life. One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say, "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!" So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear. They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday." The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday." Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says, "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision.... |
| An older nun, who was living in a convent next to a construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. And so, she decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked, "And, do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?" The worker yelled back, "Cause his mom's here with his lunch." |
| It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old bastard," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!" |