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Excited Swimmer
Scene: The finish line of the famous Venice Canal swim race. A newspaper reporter is interviewing Pierre, who was favored to win the race.
Reporter: "Pierre, you were favored to win today's Venice Canal race by a 1/4 mile; this wasn't even supposed to challenge you. Why then did you finish dead last, shocking your fans?"
Pierre: "Well, at the start I was in the lead, and taking it easy, knowing there was no one in reach of me. As I passed under the first bridge, Suzzette was standing on top of it, rubbing her hips, and looking very sexy. She was calling to me, saying, 'Pierre, I am yours when you finish the race.' This started to get me excited, my swim suit was getting uncomfortable.
"The next bridge I passed under, the beautiful Rose was standing on the bridge. She had her shirt off, and was fondling her large breasts, saying, 'these are for you when you finish the race, Pierre.'
"I was now dragging in the mud. The other swimmers were now in sight, but I swam on. The third bridge I passed under, the naked Bridget was standing on it. She was rubbing her body, and calling to me, saying, 'I am yours when you finish the race Pierre, I want you so bad.'
"This was it, I was now stuck in the mud, all the other swimmers passed me, and I was sad to let down my fans. I didn't know what to do."
Reporter: "But Pierre, why didn't you try the backstroke?"
Pierre: "Ah, but how could I get under the bridges?" -
Yankees Hat
Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes.
Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes.
The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole." -
Golf lessons
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet.
She goes over to the ball, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically, "I guess all those f*cking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies: "No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead." -
Never Up, Never In
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.
"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."
"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."