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LOFT!!!
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
As they`re walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up.
He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time. What is `loft?`"
The pro says, "L-O-F-T: Lack Of Fucking Talent." -
Tennis Ball
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What`s that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful... I had tennis elbow once." -
The Pretzel hold
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler`s trainer comes to him and says, "Now don`t forget all the research we`ve done on this Russian. He`s never lost a match because of this `pretzel` hold he has. Whatever you do, don`t let him get you in this hold. If he does, you`re finished!"
The wrestler nods in agreement.
Now, to the match . . . the American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows all is lost. He can`t watch the ending.
Suddenly, there`s a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eyes just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian`s back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer is astounded. When he finally gets the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You`d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!" -
Lack of allowance
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man`s wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn`t wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here`s ten pounds. Go to Mark`s and Spencer`s and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man`s wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn`t wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here`s five pounds. Go to Woolworth`s and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man`s wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here`s a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."