| A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink. Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place. All of a sudden he hears a voice say, 'Nice suit.' He looks around and doesn't see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses. A little while later the same voice says, 'Nice tie.' The guy looks around again and doesn't see anyone. He finally asks the bartender if he just said something. 'No,' replied the bartender, "it wasn't me. It was probably the peanuts though. They're complimentary.' |
| A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said, "No thanks, I don't drink, I tried it once but I didn't like it!" So the bartender said, "Well would you like a cigarette?" The man said, "No, I don't smoke, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!" The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No I don't like pool, I tried it once but I didn`t like it." "As a matter of fact I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting on my son!" The bartender said, "Your only son I presume!!" |
| 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. I'm not interested in fighting you. 5. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 6. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 7. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning. |
| The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?" "Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am... a stunt driver?" |