| Late one Friday night the policemen spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!" |
| "Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a Breathalyzer?" asked one drink to his friend at the next barstool. "Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent. "Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!" |
| A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other. "So what's going on here?" he asks. The bikie replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit." The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!" The bikie replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!" |
| Back in the days of the old Wild Wild West lived a guy named Ted who used to have a lot of fun. He rode into town like he usually did every Saturday night, and he went into the saloon and got drunk. All of his friends saw him drinking and decided to play a trick on him. So, they went outside and turned the saddle on his horse around. That way they figured when he got outside drunk and they put him on there, he would get on home the best way he could! So when it was time, he got real drunk and staggered outside, got up on his horse and rode off. The next morning when he woke up he says, "My goodness!" And his wife says, "What's a matter dear, don't you feel alright?" He said, "Yeah, but I sure had a tough time getting home last night. Some son of a gun cut my horses head off, and I had to guide him all the way home with my finger sticking in his windpipe!" |