| Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I would like some blood." The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some blood." The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some plasma." The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light? |
| A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.' They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 'No,' she replies. 'You just happened to catch my eye.' |
| A MAN in western attire went into a bar and asked for 30 martinis in a bucket. "What? Why would you want so many martinis?" questioned the bartender. "My horse likes them," replied the cowboy, "and he's tied to a parking meter out front dying of thirst. I want to surprise him." So the bartender got busy and came up with a bucket of martinis. "If you don't mind," he said, "I'd like to see this boozing horse with my own eyes." "Be my guest," said the customer, and the two went outside and placed the bucket by the horse, who drank deeply. "Darnedest thing I ever saw," said the bartender. "Why don't you come back in and I'll mix you a few on the house." "No, I couldn't do that," said the man. "But thanks anyway." "What's the matter?" asked the bartender. "Don't you like martinis?" "Love'em," replied the cowboy, "but I gotta drive." |
| A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!" |