| The young man was on his first date with the gorgeous young woman and decided to impress her with his abilities in wine tasting. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from their Carneros district vineyard. Upon tasting the wine, the young man scolded the wine steward, "This is obviously a 1987 vintage from their N. Coast vineyards near Calistoga, please bring me what I ordered." As the second bottle was poured, the oenophile tasted the wine and proclaimed, "No, no, no, this is a 1985 all right, but it's from their Mt. Helena vineyards!" An old drunk sat watching the display from the bar and staggered over to the couple's table. He said, "Wow, that's an impressive talent you have there, can you tell me what's in this glass?" Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, the young man tasted the liquid in the drunk's glass. "Geez, that tastes like urine!" the fellow yelped, as he spit the mouthful out. "That's right!" exclaimed the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born." |
| A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers adding, "But it feels like rubber." Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?" The drunk stammered, "Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The lawyer said, "Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?" The drunk replied, "Out of my nose." |
| Leaving the pub after drinking heavily, this fellow got into his car and decided that the best thing for him to do would be to follow the rear lights of another car that was just pulling out. Everything was fine for about three miles when the lights of the car in front went out and the drunk driver smashed into the back of it. “Hey, what do you think you’re doing turning your lights off? It’s pitch black,” shouted the drunk driver. “What the hell do you expect me to do?” came the answer. “I’m in my own garage.” |
| There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, " I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn." |