| Ever since Rob was a child, he had a fear of someone under his bed at night. So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," Rob said. Six months later he met the Psychiatrist on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV." "Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now!" FORGET THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS... GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER. There is always another way to solve a problem. |
| Things that are difficult to say when drunk: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon Things that are very difficult to say when drunk: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you 're not really my type. 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now , as I have to work in the morning. |
| A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches. Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out. Next night, bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man happily announces as he approaches. Bartender thinks, "This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard previous night." He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me again, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out. Third night in the row, bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!" The man calls out as he approaches. Bartender is fuming and grins sardonically, "What, no drink for ME tonight?" The drunk looks at him and says, "Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink." |
| Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Improper bladder control. Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training. Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. Fault: Glass Empty. Action: Get someone to buy you another beer. Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. Fault: You have fallen over backwards. Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar. Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts. Fault: You have fallen forward. Action: See above. Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet. Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face. Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror. Symptom: Floor blurred. Fault: You are looking through an empty glass. Action: Get someone to buy you another beer. Symptom: Floor moving. Fault: You are being carried out. Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. Symptom: Room seems unusually dark. Fault: Bar has closed. Action: Confirm home address with the bartender. Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures. Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Action: Cover mouth. Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. Fault: Your dancing on the table. Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking. Symptom: Beer is crystal clear. Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up. Action: Punch him. Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. Fault: You have been in a fight. Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party. Action: See if they have free beer. Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted. Fault: The beer is too weak. Action: Have more beer until your voice improves. Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song. Fault: Beer is just right. Action: Play air guitar. |