| A black guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Bartender says, "Sorry sir, we don't serve your kind here! There's another bar about ten minutes down the street." So the black guy promptly leaves. A short time later, another black guy enters the bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "Hey! We don't serve your type here. There's another bar about 10 minutes down the street that serves your type!" So the second black guy leaves and heads for the other bar. A short time later, Olympic sprinter Ben Johnson walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "Jesus Christ! We don't serve your type here, but there's another bar about 10 minutes down the street." Ben Johnson can't believe what he's hearing and says to the bartender, "Do you know who the hell I am? I'm Ben Johnson!" The bartender says, "Oh I am terribly sorry I didn't recognize you! Then it should only take you about 5 minutes to get to the other bar!" |
| President Obama and the Canadian PM are shown a time machine which can see 50 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each. President Obama goes first: "What will the USA be like in 50 years' time?" The machine whirls and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out: "The country is in good hands under the new president, Jose Fernandez.... crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, and the economy is healthy. Vice President Jin Tao has declared Chinese language mandatory in all USA schools There are no worries." The Canadian PM thinks, "It's not bad, this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks: "What will Canada be like in 50 years' time?" The machine whirls and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it. "Come on, David," says Obama, "Tell us what it says?" "I can't! It's all in Punjabi!" |
| A preacher was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely attacked by a dozen sleazy women than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice.” |
| An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to." |