-
Hide-and-Seek Champion
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper.
Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said this could be somebody really important.
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found.
hey called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know who it was?"
The police said, "It's somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion." -
Ocean of Beer
Two Aussies, Hugo and Jake, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Hugo stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Hugo blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into BEER!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew EVER sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Jake looked disgustedly at Hugo whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Jake said, "Nice going Hugo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat." -
Spit It Out
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.
They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!" -
Entry to Heaven
There was an Englishman, an Indian and a Pakistani driving along, when they rolled the car and the three of them got killed. They went to Heaven and met St Peter at the Pearly Gates. They explained that they'd been killed and needed a place to stay.
St Peter replied, "I'd love to help you boys but we're full up after the holiday season. I'm afraid you'll have to go into Limbo till there's a vacancy."
The Englishman slipped St Pete £50 and asked if that'd make any difference.
St Peter said, "For that mate, you can go back to Earth."
By the time the Englishman got back, there were police everywhere and an ambulance. They all got a real shock when he sat up.
"What happened? You've been dead for half and hour," asked the ambulance driver.
He told them about St Peter and the £50, so the ambulance driver asked why the other two didn't come back.
"Well," says the Englishman, "the Indian is trying to bargain him down and the Pakistani reckons the government should pay for it!"