| While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for..., "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look." She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess." |
| There's a beer convention in town, and all the CEOs from all the beer companes are there. During a break between seminars, a few of them went down to the hotel bar for a drink. The Anheuser Busch CEO says to the bartender, "I'll have a Budweiser, the King of Beers," and he takes his drink and sits at a table. The Coors CEO says, "I'll have a Coors, Brewed with Pure Rocky Mountain Spring Water," and joins the other CEO. The Heineken CEO says, "I'll have a Heineken, Lager Beer at its Best," and he, too, sits at the table. The Guinness CEO says, "I'll have a glass of water, please," and joins the others. The other three CEOs look at him, puzzled, and one of them inquires, "You're drinking water?" "Yes," he replies. "If you three aren't drinking beer, then neither am I." |
| So, my wife managed to crash the car again today. When the police showed up, she was all fired up, insisting that the guy she hit was being totally reckless. "He was on his phone! Can you believe it?!" she exclaimed. "And, to make matters worse, he was sitting there, casually sipping on a can of beer!" The officer, trying his best to hold back a smile, took a deep breath, looked her dead in the eye, and said, "Ma'am... he can do whatever he wants... in his own living room." |
| Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting. "So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire. "Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!" "An elephant? Are you crazy?" "It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride him and slide down his trunk, so now they are playing outside and being kids instead of just watching TV all day. My wife loves him too. He's very strong and helps her move things when I'm not around. Honestly, I can't think of a better pet." The first multimillionaire thinks for a moment. "That's actually kind of amazing. How much did you pay for him?" "Five hundred thousand dollars. What a bargain, huh?" "Can I buy him for one million dollars?" "What?! I can't sell him. He's part of my family now!" "Okay. Two million?" "You can't put a price on something so useful!" "Three million?" "Fine. I'll sell him for three million dollars, but only because you're my friend." A few months later, the multimillionaires meet again. The first multimillionaire is raging. "The elephant may have been useful to you, but he's a burden to me. He may have grazed your lawn, but he ate all my trees and left dung all over my lawn. The kids are terrified of that huge, noisy, aggressive thing. My wife and I haven't had a good night's sleep in months because the elephant keeps us awake. It's the worst purchase I ever made!" "I don't know what to say," says the second multimillionaire. "But with that attitude, you'll never be able to sell him!" |