| A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light. The guy was a real jerk, demanding, "Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!" The officer calmly told him of his violation. The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms. The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put "AH" in corner and then handed it to the man to sign. The man demanded to know what "AH" meant. The officer stared straight into his eyes and said, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you were such an a$shole!" and then returned to his cruiser. The violator's a bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him. The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, "Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don't normally make?" "Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there's an underlined 'AH.'" "What does 'AH' stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, sir." "Aggressive and hostile?" "Yes, sir." "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for 'A$shole'?" The officer grinned, "Well, sir, you know your client better than I!" |
| I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at an engineering university. I worked repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt, so to free it I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt, so I could then remove it. "So, things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked. "Yes," I said. "That's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter." There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said. |
| Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat." Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr. Wilson," she gushed, "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!" The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail." |
| Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up. "Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike. Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee." "Brad, open the newspaper to page 31." "Why, what's in the paper?" "Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!" "Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?" "Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!" "All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?" "Brad, look at the bottom of column 4." "Why? What's that story on?" "Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!" "OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!" The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues... Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?" |