| There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods." The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!" The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!" The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid." The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and is getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up, but tonight I'm gonna have one." The bartender hears this and says, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up! But tomorrow I'm going to sneak a quick one." The businessman then says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years." The bartender jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..." |
| The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress. Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside..." |
| An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died. Until then, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued. "You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please." The old gal raised her right hand. "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question. The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh... all by myself?" |
| A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door. The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!" "Of course I heard you," the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!" |