| All of my childhood punishments have become my adult goals: Eating vegetables, Staying home, Taking a nap, Going to bed early! |
| Research shows that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20-minute jog. So, now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers! |
| What's the worst thing about having a job at the unemployment office? If you get fired, you still have to show up the next day! |
| Boss: You are late again! Do you know what that means? Employee: Yes! It means the traffic is getting worse every day. |
| Today I learned that the average person consumes 9 alcoholic drinks in a week. Today I also learned that I am above average! |
| I always tell my kids, no matter what, always do whatever their heart tells them to do. But also check with their mother first to see if it's OK with her! |
| Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor. Banks, what is your problem? |
| What do you mean that a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out? |
| Police have arrested the world tongue twister champion... They say he will be given a tough sentence! |
| Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartache makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you forget any of that crap! |