| My ex-girlfriend just called me to say she wants us to get back together again. Man am I a lucky guy ? I mean, first I win the lottery and now this. !! |
| Women always called me ugly until they learned how much money I have. After that, they called me ugly and poor. |
| Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu: You get what you deserve. |
| All of my childhood punishments have become my adult goals: Eating vegetables, Staying home, Taking a nap, Going to bed early! |
| Research shows that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20-minute jog. So, now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers! |
| What's the worst thing about having a job at the unemployment office? If you get fired, you still have to show up the next day! |
| Boss: You are late again! Do you know what that means? Employee: Yes! It means the traffic is getting worse every day. |
| Today I learned that the average person consumes 9 alcoholic drinks in a week. Today I also learned that I am above average! |
| I always tell my kids, no matter what, always do whatever their heart tells them to do. But also check with their mother first to see if it's OK with her! |
| Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor. Banks, what is your problem? |