Question: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Santa:
Yes, but you`ll have an even better chance if he doesn`t wear anything at all.
Question:
What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control?
Santa:
A misconception.
Question:
What is the difference between a Direct Entry Midwife (DEM) and a Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM)?
Santa:
Seven years of education for CNM and at least seven years of apprenticeship for DEM.
Question:
Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
Santa:
Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.
Question:
What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
Santa:
Have sex once a year.
Question:
What is a chastity belt?
Santa:
A labor-saving device.
Question:
What is the most common pregnancy craving?
Santa:
For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Question:
I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I`m pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
Santa:
Not if you don`t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.
Question:
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby`s sex?
Santa:
Childbirth.
Question:
My blood type is type O-positive and my husband`s is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
Santa:
Then the jig is up.
Question:
Should I have a baby after 35 (no need for unnecessary tests if you think you are healthy)?
Santa:
No, 35 children is enough
My husband and I are very attractive. I`m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
Santa:
Your therapist.
Question:
I`m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
Santa:
With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Question:
How would I know that my bag of waters broke?
Santa:
When you taste it and it is not salty.
Question:
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
Santa:
If it`s the flu, you`ll get better.
Question:
My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
Santa:
The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Question:
Does pregnancy affect a woman`s memory?
Santa:
I don`t remember.
Question:
Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
Santa:
Yes, your bladder and your brain (latest research according to a CAT scan).
Question:
Ever since I`ve been pregnant, I haven`t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
Santa:
Depends on what your doing with them.
Question:
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
Santa:
Cause your fatter than they are.
Question:
My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she`s borderline irrational.
So what`s your question?
Santa:
Question:
Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
Santa:
No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Question:
Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy (semen contains prostaglandin - hormone, which stimulate labor) bring on labor?
Santa:
When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Question:
What`s the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
Santa:
Nothing, if the pregnant woman`s husband knows what`s good for him.
Question:
What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
Santa:
Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
Question:
What`s the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
Santa:
Brute force.
Question:
When is the best time to get an epidural (drug injected to mom or added in the IV that depresses the baby and slows labor for some mothers)?
Santa:
Right after you find out you are pregnant.
Question:
Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
Santa:
Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Question:
How long is the average woman in labor (it takes 10-30 minutes for some second-time mothers)?
Santa:
Whatever she says, divided by two.
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