| Jewish Rules 1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris. 2. If you can t say something nice, say it in Yiddish. 3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana. 4. Always whisper the names of diseases. 5. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired. 6. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed. 7. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended. 8. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight. 9. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy? 10. If you have to ask the price, you can t afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid. 11. The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall. 12. It s not who you know, it s who you know that had a nose job. 13. After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann s. 14. WASPs leave and never say goodbye. Jews say goodbye and never leave. 15. If you don t eat it, it will kill me. 16. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. 17. There comes a time in every man s life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an adult. This usually happens at around age fourty five. |