| Stock markets are in a tailspin and investors are not sure where to put their money. It's definitely not a time for conventional methods. So here's some stock market terms whose meanings have been revised to make them more up-to-date. BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER: What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS: What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT: An archaic word no longer in use. |