| Question: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? Santa: Yes, but you`ll have an even better chance if he doesn`t wear anything at all. Question: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control? Santa: A misconception. Question: What is the difference between a Direct Entry Midwife (DEM) and a Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM)? Santa: Seven years of education for CNM and at least seven years of apprenticeship for DEM. Question: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat? Santa: Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking. Question: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? Santa: Have sex once a year. Question: What is a chastity belt? Santa: A labor-saving device. Question: What is the most common pregnancy craving? Santa: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Question: I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I`m pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra? Santa: Not if you don`t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long. Question: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby`s sex? Santa: Childbirth. Question: My blood type is type O-positive and my husband`s is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive? Santa: Then the jig is up. Question: Should I have a baby after 35 (no need for unnecessary tests if you think you are healthy)? Santa: No, 35 children is enough My husband and I are very attractive. I`m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this? Santa: Your therapist. Question: I`m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? Santa: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Question: How would I know that my bag of waters broke? Santa: When you taste it and it is not salty. Question: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? Santa: If it`s the flu, you`ll get better. Question: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true? Santa: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip. Question: Does pregnancy affect a woman`s memory? Santa: I don`t remember. Question: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? Santa: Yes, your bladder and your brain (latest research according to a CAT scan). Question: Ever since I`ve been pregnant, I haven`t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? Santa: Depends on what your doing with them. Question: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? Santa: Cause your fatter than they are. Question: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she`s borderline irrational. So what`s your question? Santa: Question: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? Santa: No, but your husband might get on your nerves. Question: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy (semen contains prostaglandin - hormone, which stimulate labor) bring on labor? Santa: When the sex is between your husband and another woman. Question: What`s the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold? Santa: Nothing, if the pregnant woman`s husband knows what`s good for him. Question: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy? Santa: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder. Question: What`s the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman? Santa: Brute force. Question: When is the best time to get an epidural (drug injected to mom or added in the IV that depresses the baby and slows labor for some mothers)? Santa: Right after you find out you are pregnant. Question: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? Santa: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Question: How long is the average woman in labor (it takes 10-30 minutes for some second-time mothers)? Santa: Whatever she says, divided by two. |