SANTA AUSTIN, TX - Dec.20 - Attorneys for Texas
Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court
today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making
his list and then checking it twice. The complaint
seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved
Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban
his traditional practice of checking the list of good
boys and girls one additional time before packing
his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin,
Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus
to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative
list-checking activity, and certify the original list as
submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion,
or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty,
and who is nice. It s totally arbitrary and capricious.
How many more times does he need to check? This
checking, checking, and re-checking over and over
again must stop now," said former Secretary James
Baker. Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP
observers witnessed an elf remove all boys named
Brad from the "nice" list, filing them under "naughty"
instead because "everyone knows all boys named
Brad are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list
tampering, and blasted what he called the "fuzzy
math up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush.
"My mother just walked right in, told em she was
Mrs. Claus. They didn t check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush s running mate,
issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus,
I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking
your list. The children of the world have had enough.
They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that
his granddaughter has already selected a name for the
pony that she s asked for.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but
a spokes-elf said he was "deeply distressed" by news
of the pending legal action against him. "He s losing
weight, and he hasn t said Ho Ho Ho for days," said
the spokes-elf. "He s just not feeling jolly."
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