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    Sometime after a man died, his widow, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
    "He thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Honey,` he told me, `I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace.`"
    "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
    "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, `Please use this money to buy a nice casket.` So I bought a beautiful casket with such a comfortable lining that I know he is resting very comfortably."
    "The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, `Please use this for a nice funeral.` I arranged him a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for everyone attending."
    "And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
    "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, `Please use this to buy a nice stone.`"
    Holding her hand in the air and showing off her diamond ring, she said, "So, do you like my stone?"
  • What`s that noise? Banta is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
    The dealer tells him, 'Look, I have a lot of models, but why don`t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred of trees for you in one day.'
    So, Banta takes the chainsaw home and...
  • Dancing duck A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
    On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner...
  • Drunk Santa Santa walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
    The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a taxi called for him.
    Santa is briefly surprised then...
  • Dying wish The company owner is dying and calls in his lawyer and his accountant.
    The owner says, 'I am dying and I want to take my money with me. At my funeral put these envelopes in my coffin.'
    So at the funeral, the lawyer and the accountant put the envelopes in the coffin. But, on the way home the lawyer felt bad and...
  • Too fast !! A snail was moving along the beach when he happened to look back behind him and saw three turtles wearing leather jackets.
    After moving along for about four weeks, the snail looked back again and saw that the three turtles were still there and closing in on him. So, the snail picked up his pace.
    After about six more weeks, the snail...
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