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A woman had a big old German Shepherd that snored so loudly she could never hear her soap operas in the afternoon. Over coffee one morning she happened to mention the problem to her neighbor, who leaned over and whispered confidentially that she had just the solution.
"The next time it happens, tie a ribbon around his testicles and he`ll stop," said the neighbor. "He won`t even wake up."
That afternoon, during the first few minutes of As the World Turns, the dog came in and flopped down in front of the TV. Within three minutes he had flopped onto his back and begun snoring deeply, so the woman ran to her sewing room and grabbed a red ribbon. Sure enough, the neighbor was right: when she did what she was told to do, the dog stopped snoring, and never even woke up.
That very night was her husband`s bowling night, and he came home very late and very drunk. He fell into bed, rolled onto his back, and began to snore loudly, and as his wife lay there sleepless she thought again about her neighbor`s suggestion. Fetching a blue ribbon from her sewing box, she tied it around her husband`s testicles. He fell silent and never stirred.
Later on that night the husband woke up to take a leak. Still pretty drunk, he staggered down the hall, let the dog out, and went to pee. Looking down at his penis, he noticed the blue ribbon, and when he let the dog back in, he noticed the red one.
"Rex," he said blurrily, "I don`t know where we`ve been....but at least we took First and Second Place.
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Bad day! Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, Santa was met at the door by his sobbing wife, Jeeto.
Santa asked, 'What happened? Why are you crying?'Tearfully she explained, 'It`s the druggist- he... - Chewing gum!! A 300 Kg man walks into a doctor`s office. This doctor is known for his unusual but effective methods. The man says, 'Doctor you must help me. I have tried everything. I just cannot lose this weight.'
The doctor hesitates for a minute. He finally looks up and says, 'The only thing I can do is to sew your mouth shut and... - Going on Date! A guy was at the local dance and he asks a girl to dance.
'OK,' she replies.
'What`s your name?' he asks.
'Franny,' she replies.
'That`s a nice name, Fanny,' he says.
'NO, NO, NO, it`s Franny, Fanny with an R.'
'OK, sorry,' he replies and they... - The Only Pleasure! A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The salesman says, 'But, sir, I can see from up here you`re at least a size 11.'
The guy says, 'Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe.'
The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain.
The salesman just has to ask... - Fruitful trial! Three men who were lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, 'I brought ten apples.'
The king then explained the trial to him...