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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month and I`m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I`ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I`m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That`s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I`ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don`t care and that I`m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they`re thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they`re crying, know what they really want when they say `nothing`....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?!"
- Suicide! Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.
Not able to handle being alone, she decides to kill herself and join him in death. She starts to think about quick and easy ways, and remembers abouther husband`s old Army pistol. With that thought, she decides to... - Gastric problem! Banta was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he`d been seeing for some time.
He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through... -
Landing problem!! Santa and Banta were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After a while, just drinking gets boring, so Santa looks at the Banta and says, 'Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?'
Banta says, 'Wow, you have an airplane? Let`s go!'
So they get some more beer and go for... - Where is Jesus? A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, 'Where is Jesus today?'
Steven raised his hand and said, 'He`s in heaven.'
Mary was called on and answered... - Time Sheets An accountant dies and goes to heaven.
He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.
After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, 'I`m sorry I wasn`t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to...