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A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!", the judge shouted back to the man.
He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"Tightwad!", blurted the man again.
"Quiet!", yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"Son of a..."
The man started to shout when the judge thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"
So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"
- Not sticking!!! George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed his Postmaster General,stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released... - Who's the boss? A retiring farmer needed to rid his farm of animals in preparation for selling his land, so he went to every house in his village.
To the houses where the husband was the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the wife was the boss, he gave a chicken.
When the farmer... -
Taxman! The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a Rs 10,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze... - A Good Day! The man of the house finally took all his family's disabled umbrellas to the repair shop.
Two days later, on the way to his office, when he got up to leave the streetcar, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to a woman beside him.
The women cried... - Guardian angel! A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: 'Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted,...