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One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he spotted a monkey up in a tree.
He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down.
The monkey said, "If you tie yourself up I'll come down."
So the lion ties himself up, but as the monkey came down he started shaking.
The lion said, "Hey, monkey, you don't have to be scared! I'm not going to eat you; I'm tied up real tight."
"I know," said the monkey. "That's not why I'm shaking."
"So why are you shaking?" asked the lion.
"Well," said the monkey, "it's just that I've never had sex with a lion before."
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Wrong finger!!! 'Are You Paying Attention?'
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
'You must be capable of two things to do a... - Italian vacation You must use an Italian accent for this joke to work:
One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you no understand, I wanna two piss on my... - Thirty erections! A man is having problems with his penis, which certainly had seen better times.
He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, 'Sorry, but you've overdone it the last thirty years. Your penis is burned out. You only have... - Speech impediment There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment. One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store.
He went up to the shop assistant and asked 'Could I have a fucket please?'
The assistant asked, 'Pardon sir?'
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The old woman said, 'We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.'
'Uh huh,' said the old man.
'We will do...